🛑 Please note that this blog post discusses sensitive topics, including mental health, suicide, and miscarriage. If you are currently experiencing mental health challenges or feelings of loss, I encourage you to prioritise your well-being. It may be best to proceed with caution or choose not to read further. Remember, you don't have to face this alone - reach out to your healthcare provider for support and services tailored to your needs.

Motherhood is a journey of constant growth.

While working in daycare in my teenage years and early 20’s gave me the tools to understand child behaviour, nothing prepared me for the mental and emotional challenges I would face.

Becoming a mum was something I dreamed of, but once reality hit, it was a completely different story. 😅

They say that you don’t choose your children, your children choose you. 💫

It definitely seems to be the case with my boys and my experience with motherhood.

Between the stress of pregnancy, the demands of being a first-time mum, and the workplace bullying I faced, I quickly realised that motherhood goes far beyond any textbook knowledge.

The hardest part was accepting that I needed help.

How I Lost and Found Myself Again as a Mum - The 8 Hardest Lessons Motherhood Taught Me - Mum Plans With Em

⭐ Motherhood Can be Extremely Lonely and Isolating

“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.
A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”
—Sophia Loren

Welcoming New Life and Navigating the Early Challenges

Carter came along in early 2014. 🥰 The moment he was finally here, I was so exhausted I could barely pay attention to what was happening. (If you’d like to hear about my birthing story (and my experience with hypnobirthing), let me know in the comments below 😉).

Motherhood started off difficult with waiting 5 hours not knowing where my son and husband were, a baby in ICU for 3 days, troubles with feeding, haemorrhaging and bullying from the head midwife - yep, the hospital time was a lovely experience! 🙃

We finally got home 3 days later with our baby boy.💖

A photo of Carter after I gave him a bath - he gave the sweetest look.

Seriously my favourite photo ever.

For the next few months, I struggled. Post-natal depression crept in silently, masked by the exhaustion of feeding issues, sleepless nights, and isolation. We rarely had visitors besides the happy family visits every few weeks and a couple of midwife appointments to check on feeding and growth. 🍼

I guess to everybody else we looked like we were going fine, but inside I was screaming.🌧

Post-natal depression isn’t something you can see coming – I didn’t even notice I was in the thick of it at the time, until I seeked therapy years later. But it’s real, and it’s common. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, to feel like you’ve lost yourself. 😴

The first step to healing is acknowledging it and reaching out for help.

A Little Information on Post-Natal Depression

For those who aren’t familiar with the term, post-natal depression or “postpartum depression” is…

A mood disorder or depression that occurs in mothers after the birth of a baby. Usually this will be a short term disorder but can last for many months or longer. (s) Postnatal depression is very common, affecting about 1 in 5 Australian mums and 1 in 10 dads in the first year after they have a baby, and it can be life threatening. (s)

Postpartum depression symptoms may include: (s)

Depressed mood or severe mood swings
Crying too much
Difficulty bonding with your baby
Withdrawing from family and friends
Loss of appetite or eating much more than usual
Inability to sleep, called insomnia, or sleeping too much
Overwhelming tiredness or loss of energy
Less interest and pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
Intense irritability and anger
Fear that you're not a good mother
Hopelessness
Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or inadequacy
Reduced ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decisions
Restlessness
Severe anxiety and panic attacks
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

If you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 for immediate support.

You’re not alone in your struggles, and admitting you need help is a sign of strength.

If you're feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, seek support. You deserve to be well, not just for your family, but for yourself.

⭐Your Wellbeing Affects Your Family

A picture of a woman sleeping, depicting the symptoms of depression and the lack of energy and motivation.

“There is no role in life that is more essential than that of motherhood.”
—Elder M. Russell Ballard

Finding Balance (Or Not)

I went back to work when Carter was just four months old, but balancing the demands of motherhood with a hostile work environment only deepened my depression. 😓

We had a new manager who was a hard ass and didn’t like working mothers. Slowly she began to push out the "weak ones” - I remember one time she accidentally let it slip how great it was there was another less parent working for her, after one of my workmates quit from the stress. 🙄

She was a former personal trainer who constantly criticised everything I ate, said, and did, always framing it as if she just wanted to help me improve. But her comments were belittling and left me feeling small. To put it simply, she was a deeply unhappy person who created a toxic, hostile environment at work to make herself feel better.

By the time Carter turned one, I had gained over 20kg due to all the challenges of motherhood and workplace bullying, and I all this had driven me into a deep depression. 💔

Looking back, I can hardly remember his first year, besides the big milestones - it was such a struggle that I felt mentally overwhelmed and unable to grasp anything clearly.

A photo of Carter and I at a family Christmas gathering.

The turning point for me came when I experienced a panic attack in the carpark outside work one morning. 🚗

It was as though I was glued to the seat and I started to hyperventilate with no control over my body - I didn’t know what was going on and began to completely freak out, so I rang Brendan (my partner) to help calm me down. Little did I realise this was a panic attack. My body was screaming at me to pay attention to the stress I had been withholding for so long.

A few weeks later, shortly after Carter’s first birthday, I quit work. 🧳

At that point, my husband had started FIFO (fly-in-fly-out) work, which allowed me to stay home with Carter, but even then, the stress of motherhood didn’t go away.

I realised that no matter how much I loved my son, I couldn’t pour from an empty cup. I needed to take care of myself, mentally and physically, to be the mother he deserved.

If your body is sending you signs of stress and anxiety, listen to it.

You’re not just a mother - you’re a person who deserves self-care.

Prioritise your mental health because your well-being is just as important as your child’s.

No situation, workplace, relationship, is worth sacrificing your mental health over.

⭐ Noone Is Coming to Save You - You Have to Save Yourself

A photo of a mum holding her baby, showing the devotion and care it takes to raise a child.

“A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
—Tenneva Jordan

Loss of Identity, Therapy and Burnout

Trigger warning: Talk of suicide.

Being at home, I began to just focus on my little family and try to regain some sense of calm in my days. I began to focus on self-care practices like meditation and journaling which did help a little bit but I spent most of my days stuck at home ashamed with who I was as a person and what I looked like.

Two years passed, with a happy little toddler running about, but not much had changed. I was still miserable, and spent most of my days binge-watching tv, placing a few toys out for Carter to play with, and doing the bare minimum. I had given up on trying. 🥴

There was one night I remember so vividly.

Brendan was away for work at the time. It was a winter night, cold and rainy and I had put Carter in for his usual daily bath. I sat down on the tiles to supervise him and make sure he was safe.

I give myself credit that no matter how I felt about myself, Carter was always top priority, he always had been, and I never faltered in making sure he was fed, well and happy.🌟

I began to cry, hysterically (poor dude must have been so unsure of what was going on 😅), feeling so alone and lost, like a hollow shell and began to contemplate all the ways I could escape from the world. It was a feeling that has stuck with me as a memory since that night - a feeling that only those who have been there can truly understand, but one you can’t easily describe.

I had no-one.

I had no-one around to help me. A very shit feeling to have, no-one there for support, but at the same time, that was the saving grace, because I had no-one to look over Carter.

I had to make a choice, and because I was a mother, I chose to stay.

For the sake of my child’s life. He is the reason I am still alive today.

Little did I know that by making that choice that night, I was starting a whole new life.

A Little Information on Depression

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. (s) Depression is one of the most common of all mental health conditions and impacts many Australians every day - it affects 1 in 7 Australians (s).

Symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include (s):

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

A Little Information on Anxiety

There are many different forms of anxiety - the two forms I experienced were Generalised Anxiety, and Social Anxiety.

Generalised Anxiety Disorder - excessive, uncontrollable worry about everyday issues such as health, work or finances.
Social Anxiety Disorder - a disorder that causes people to avoid social or performance situations for fear of being embarrassed or rejected.

Anxiety disorders are the most common group of mental health conditions in Australia. They affect 1 in 4 Australians at some stage in their life (s).

One of the main symptoms of anxiety disorders is having difficulty managing your fears and worries. You might become overwhelmed by your anxious thoughts.

There are some physical symptoms that can affect people with anxiety such as (s):

panic attacks — sudden, intense episodes of fear
shortness of breath
dizziness
a racing or pounding heart
sweating
problems sleeping.
a churning stomach or ’butterflies in the stomach’
‘pins and needles’
feeling lightheaded
trembling
feeling very thirsty

If you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 for immediate support.

That night, I made the decision to seek therapy. I had no idea how to fix things, but I knew I needed help. Therapy became my lifeline, helping me rebuild my sense of self one small step at a time.

When you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, remember there is always a way up. Take it one small step at a time, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

You are worth the effort, and your children are worth having a healthy, happy parent. 🌞

⭐ Self-Care Is the Most Important Skill In Life.

A woman sitting looking over a lake, with the sun shining over her, depicting that there is still hope - you can overcome depression and anxiety with help and self-care.

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”
— Jill Churchill.

Moments That Sparked Change

I began weekly sessions with a wonderful therapist. I focused on just doing a few simple tasks every day. ✅ Some form of purpose that I could easily tick off to give myself some motivation and confidence. 🌱

These simple tasks were as easy as doing washing, or the dishes, or playing with Carter for half an hour. 💖

**What To Do on a Down Day**

***If you would like to create your own “Down Day List”, what is something simple that you can do to uplift yourself? Nothing too big.***
***Just a small simple healthy act, or something that brings you joy, that will only take maybe 5 minutes.***

Something so simple that made me feel that I was being productive with my day instead of sitting down watching tv.

And I created a list of things that I could do to help me on my down days (technically, a self-care emergency kit!) and I have kept this on me every single day since - it still saves me from time to time!

At the bottom of this post, I’ve created a copy of my Down Day List for you, so you can have your very own to help on the days you struggle through. I hope it helps you. 💫

As I continued therapy, I started setting small goals - eating healthier, moving more, and gradually rebuilding my confidence. I lost 20kg by the time Carter was four, not through dieting, but by making consistent, healthy choices for myself.

The small steps became bigger strides, and slowly, I started to feel more like myself again.

I realised that motherhood didn’t have to mean losing my identity. In fact, it was the driving force behind rediscovering my own strength and purpose. My son gave me the motivation to become the best version of myself. 💞

Growth happens in small steps. It’s never too late to start prioritising your health, both mentally and physically.

Take the time to care for yourself because your children need you at your best.

⭐Your Children Can be the Individuals that Break You Down the Most

A man with his son on his shoulders, walking.

“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
— Ray Romano.

Navigating the Complexities of ADD and ODD

There’s one thing that people don’t tell you when you have kids, and that’s how every single child is completely different. You sort of know, but not when it comes to the small habits, the small quirks and things they say and do.

They tell you it’s not all sunshine and rainbows - sometimes it’s damn hard, but they don’t tell you the true challenges of struggling as a parent, and the extra stress of parenting a child with special needs. 😓

Over the years, I had grown to realise that Carter may have ADD and ODD.

The small signs were there - hyper-activity, finding it hard to focus but as a little kid, their attention spans can be very fleeting and it’s hard to know fully what are traits, environmental factors, developmental delays, or something else.

Overnight, it seemed he changed (or maybe I just didn’t realise it as much until my mental health improved). He was extremely hard to keep balanced.

I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time (and still do now! The struggle is real!😅), but sometimes no matter what you know and no matter what you do, it doesn’t help the situation.

I went straight from struggling with depression and anxiety, to struggling with anxiety and a full blown out-of-control emotionally dysregulated 4 year old who was highly sensitive to noise, but also extremely over-stimulated, and hyper-active where the slightest change would send him into a spiral.

Photos of Carter mucking about - with some family shots.

A Little Information on Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD)

For those who aren’t familiar with the term, ADD (previously ADHD) is…

A neurobehavioural condition that affects your brain and, in turn, your behaviour. The symptoms of ADD are divided into two categories: hyperactivity/impulsivity and inattention. Hyperactive-impulsive symptoms can include fidgeting, interrupting people, and impatience. Inattentive symptoms can include trouble focusing, inability to follow through on tasks, and poor time management. (s).

Fast forward 4 years for a second, he is diagnosed with combined type ADD (hyper-activity and focus deficit) and although undiagnosed, he shows signs of ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) which is…

A frequent and ongoing pattern of anger, irritability, arguing and defiance toward parents and other authority figures. ODD also includes being spiteful and seeking revenge, a behaviour called vindictiveness. (s)

When Carter was diagnosed with ADD, I felt like I was back to square one.

No matter how much I had learned in the past, nothing could fully prepare me for the daily challenges of parenting a child with special needs. Some days feel like constant chaos - managing his outbursts, creating routines, and trying to maintain peace in our household.

But I learned that parenting a child with special needs requires a balance of patience, structure, and adaptability. It’s not about being the perfect parent - it’s about doing the best you can with the knowledge and resources you have.

This is definitely a condensed version of all the things I have learnt raising Carter so far. I will be writing up a blog post on my experiences separately and some strategies I’ve implemented for each age group, so if that is something you would like to know, please let me know in the comments and subscribe to my email list so you can be updated 😊

One thing I want to make clear is that although there are many challenges that come with special needs, there are also many positive aspects.

Carter is one of the smartest, most driven children I know, because although he struggles so much with ADD and ODD symptoms, he is extremely sociable, has the biggest heart, has so much energy to go and go and go, and he can concentrate for hours to accomplish a task he is passionate about.

This kid could legit talk to you for hours about dinosaurs, and many times I have watched him square up with adults about a species of dinosaur, because he knew he was right and had to get the facts straight.

He will go very far when he is an adult, if he can find the right job path and be surrounded by people who keep him uplifted, focused and supported.

Photo of Carter holding a snake, looking so confident and happy - showing that ADD doesn't set you back.

To Parents Raising Children with Special Needs

You are doing an incredible job. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and it’s okay to ask for help. Celebrate the small wins and remember that you’re not alone in this journey. 🌈

A small but important fact to hear (because I sure felt better after hearing this) - when Carter was being assessed, they asked what strategies I had tried. Everything I said, even ‘positive parenting’, and the specialist replied, ‘With children with special needs, none of those behavioural strategies work.”

So if you are trying your best and nothing is working, know that you’re doing the best you can, some things aren’t going to work and that’s coming from a specialist. Even the programs that people PREACH about, aren’t specific to children with special needs.

Each child is different with what they need.

⭐No Matter What You Do, You Can Never Be Perfect.

A photo of a mum with her toddler walking along the beach.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”
— Charles R. Swindoll.

Reclaiming My Identity as More Than a Mum

Going through the challenges over those few years, I realised just how important a self-care routine is. If I am not paying attention to my own needs, nobody else is, and I am left on the back burner. I had put on over 30kg since falling pregnant with Carter. 😩

I had to do a lot of inner work (shadow work), paying attention to who I am as a person, separate to being a mum, because I am not just mum.

You are not just mum.🤚

You are a separate person to your children, to your family, to your home and your life. 💫

A very freeing mindset to have as it separates you personally from the trauma, and experiences, and situations you experience. You are living through them, you yourself are not a part of them, only your actions. ✨

I reflected and analysed every part of my life from past to present through journaling and figured out what wasn’t working for me and what I wanted.

It was a very difficult and long process that has taken me many years to grow through.

⭐ It Can’t Be All Or Nothing. It’s About Taking Small Steps for Long Term Success.

A photo of a man walking with his daughter through a forest, emphasising looking after yourself, walking the path of self-care to come on the other side of depression.

“My favorite thing about being a mum is just what a better person it makes you on a daily basis.”
— Drew Barrymore.

Embracing Growth and Imperfection

Over the years, I had to figure out what was the best options for me as a person, because each self-care routine is different - we don’t all fit into one mould. 🌟

I’ve constantly been trying to better myself for my children, so I can be a good role model for them and show up as my best self to give them the best I can.💪

I studied to be a Weight Loss Practitioner so I could better understand what my body needed for health and to lose weight 🍏- I researched self-care strategies and mindfulness strategies to create a system and life that works with me and my family, not against me. 📖

LITTLE FACT: Pretty sure I also have ADD but I’m not spending $400 to get tested😕

I lost 20kg, unfortunately had a miscarriage, and regained another 10kg from the heartache. 🌧

A photo of the birth of Harvey, our second son.

But a year later, Harvey was born, 🌈my rainbow baby, allowing me to realise what a “normal” motherhood experience can be like without the struggles of post-natal/depression, and the behavioural challenges of raising a child with special needs.

As I said, each child is different and Harvey is the complete opposite of Carter – he is sensitive, subdued but sure of himself and full of sass - he definitely comes with his own challenges as well.

Photo collage of Harvey from a todder until now, with lots of smiles and crazy faces.

⭐ Embrace Your Flaws – They Make You Who You Truly Are.

“If you’re a mum, you’re a superhero. Period.”
— Rosie Pope.

Setting Goals for Myself and My Family

Now you’re seeing a little part of the future. I’ve created a business helping other mums to overcome the same struggles that I went (and continue to go) through, because nobody should have to feel that way or go through those moments alone. 💫

I’m studying to be a Life Coach and now call myself a Health and Self-Care Coach, and I can’t wait to see where life as an entrepreneur takes me 😎

I am now revisiting my weight loss journey, as I spent the last few years mainly focusing on my mental health, and maintaining a healthy, balanced diet while supporting Carter through his struggles, and I can’t wait to see what that extra element of health will do for my self-care practices and energy levels (especially as I was recently diagnosed with Coeliac Disease). 💪🌱I will be sharing a lot of my journey on Instagram so chuck me a follow for loads of inspiration and self-care love @mumplanswithem.

I have completely changed my life around from where I was on that bathroom floor, a shell of sadness years ago, to now working through the daily challenges and trying my best to create a better life.

It isn’t easy - motherhood and adulthood is definitely a rocky ride, but with self-care and a positive mindset, anything is possible.

I have two very different children I have to take care of, but I can’t if I don’t first take care of myself.

If I’m not ok, they aren’t ok, the house isn’t ok, life isn’t ok (and tomorrow definitely won’t be ok from the chaos of today I have to pick up after🤪).

I have to choose every day to show up and do the best that I can, and the best that I can differs on any given day, depending on my energy and depending on my children.

I’m not perfect, but I’m present, and I’ve found strength in the small victories each day.

A photo of me and the boys at Harvey's birthday party.

If you’re a mother (or father!) struggling with stress, burnout, or depression, remember this:

You are enough. You are capable. And no matter how difficult things get, you can rebuild yourself one small step at a time.💫

Motherhood is a journey of growth - for both you and your children. Be kind to yourself along the way, and trust that you are doing your best.

It’s okay to take things one day at a time.

Keep going - you’ve got this! 🌟

Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason - Carrie Bradshaw.

Thank you for sticking through my (not so) little motherhood journey recap, and I hope that it’s given you a better insight into my life and why I am so passionate about helping other mums with their own self-care motherhood journeys!

It takes a village and I really hope that we can create our very own positive village here at Mum Plans With Em 🌴🥰

If you have any questions, would like to know a little bit more about a part of my journey, or would even like to share a bit of your own motherhood journey, please share with me in the comments! I’d love to hear from you!

And don’t forget your Down Day Self-Care List below! 👇🌟

Reflection

What part of your own parenting journey has shaped who you are as a person? 🌱
If there was one thing you could teach your child, what would you want them to learn, and how could you make that a reality? ⭐
If you could create a list for yourself to help you on your low days, what would be on your list? ☂

What to do on a down day - small graphic to download to your phone.